My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
