She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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