She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
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If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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