I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
