Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
