I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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