So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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