Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
