In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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