even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
