Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
