I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
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Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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