it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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