I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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