Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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