Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
