My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
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Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.