Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
