so explain again why im purple
no
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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