I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
