Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
