I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
