I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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