sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
