If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
