I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
