i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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