Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
