the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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