Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
