Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
