...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Drunk is not a location!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
