I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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