guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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