my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
