is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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