Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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