just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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