I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
