So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
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I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize