shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
