I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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