OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
