I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
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you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
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