I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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