i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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