when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
