so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
