hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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