I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
