It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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