Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
