i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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