I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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