You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
