She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked