I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
