So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.