Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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