i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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