Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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