she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
