when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
