the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
