She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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